Toddler Moms and Dads: Training the Troops
This is an introductory article that places the raising of children into a social context. Other articles that provide more hands-on help will follow it. There is nothing any of us can do that is more important than raising up the next generation. For that reason, as some kids are starting school and others are remaining home with caregivers, I will be running this series called “Toddler Moms and Dads.” Though toddlers are generally considered to be children roughly between the ages of two and four (give or take a few months in either direction), in these initial articles I’m going to be addressing issues with post-infant children up to the age of five because it is during this post-infant preschool period that some of the most important socialization lessons are being taught, and often by parents who don’t feel so sure footed themselves. In a sense, parents of preschoolers are toddling into parenthood as much as their offspring are toddling into life—and even if you have already had one child, that is no guarantee the next child wont present completely different challenges. It could be argued that parents are still toddling to some degree or another right up until their children reach adulthood. For that reason, the word “Toddler” in these titles refers more to the Moms and Dads than to their kids.
Parents are presumed to innately know how to parent with no formal training. This unreasonable expectation can produce a tremendous amount of unnecessary and undeserved anxiety, stress, and feelings of inferiority in parents. Parenting in modern society in the USA can be complex. Just doing what comes naturally, or doing what your parents or their parents did may not be good for your child or you. It could even get you arrested, or cause your child to be ostracized when they enter school. Some parents may be eager for information and guidance, while others may become offended and may view helpful suggestions, even from pediatricians and nursery school teachers as interference.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has a website, www.healthychildren.org, where parents and those caring for or working with young children can gain valuable information to help shape expectations and learn techniques that address developmental milestones such as: the fact that children do not have the ability to chew in a grinding fashion until around the age of five, and therefore need their food provided in tiny pieces; and children under the age of five may still have poor hand eye co-ordination, while those approaching their fourth and fifth birthdays can have a temporary decrease in ability to process external stimuli from their environment creating a sensory overload as they begin to engage with their surroundings more physically.
It would be nice if basic parenting and child development classes were a regular part of all junior high or high school curriculum, so that important evidence-based information can be conveyed in a neutral setting. After all, many teenagers are left responsible for their younger siblings for at least a portion of the day, some young people start baby sitting for neighbors by the time they’re 13, 14, or 15, and some adolescents and teens even become parents themselves. On a practical level these young people need information about child development and parenting more than they need most other academic subjects. Furthermore, learning just how much goes into properly raising a child may help curb premature desires to parent in those searching for ways to have their own unresolved emotional needs answered.
Such classes may also help young people who were the victims of bad parenting break cross-generational bad parenting cycles, and understand that problems in their home may not be all their fault. The introduction of parenting and developmental material in the classroom could open the door to asking for help and receiving counseling for some young people in need—or even possibly present an opportunity to alert authorities of abuse at home. On a professional note, regular classes in child development and parenting at the junior high and high school level may inspire some to pursue a path toward becoming a pediatrician, or child psychologist, or teacher, or social worker….
Unfortunately, many schools still think it more important that children dissect formaldehyde soaked fetal pigs and pipette frogs. Consequently, many parents—even those over 20—learn how to parent after they have become parents, not before, and their little darlings become their guinea pigs. Your kids may be lucky. They may have perfect parents; and you may have perfect children. But even in the most perfect of relationships there are challenges. It helps to know in advance that although your toddler may exhibit empathy (showing concern and even sadness when you look sad) they still have to learn how to understand another person’s point of view, and that will take time and brain development. Your child really has no concept of how difficult they are making your life when they throw a tantrum in a store, and they don’t really mean to cause you pain when they hit or kick you. These behaviors are developmental not characterological. Your child is simply letting something that’s inside come out. The effect of that emotional purging (joyous or hostile) on the outside world is beyond their realm of comprehension. Calmly explaining the effects of their behavior on you and others helps, but don’t expect them to get it first time around. Depending on the age and development of the child it could take a year of teachable moments or more. Unfortunately, I’ve even known some adults who appear to act with no regard for the effects of their behavior on others—though that may be somewhat different. That often is characterological.
It may require some changes in public policy to give the nation’s parents the training and support they need. Although in future months I will address issues around our educational system more specifically, I would like to take this moment to suggest a few changes to consider. In addition to the inclusion of child development and parenting classes within the curriculum to help raise-up a generation of competent confident parents, we also need to look at how to best serve families today. Those reviewing our tax policy might consider whether children would benefit more if instead of giving certain deductions and credits to their parents on their behalf, the funds were given schools to: 1) provide preschool services, 2) lengthen the school day for children to be in school from nine to five while most parents are at work, 3) provide children a healthy breakfast, lunch and 4 p.m. “tea-time” snack, 4) increase the teacher/child ratio and add teacher’s aids to classrooms, 5) provide uniforms. Our current policy is a relic from when kids had stay at home moms, families that needed their labor, and communities that were relatively safe. Times have changed and changes in how we use our school systems could dramatically improve how we serve children who are entering these changing times and the families that raise them.
** Nothing connected with this blog or this website should be considered counseling or treatment. **
